My Diary August 2020

August 27

At about 6:00 am this morning I was crying for my mother in dream and then I was awakened. How I can live on this way? When is the end of life?

But life is not always rosy. This morning I have watched a youtube video where the WhiteHouse speaker Kayleigh McEnany (an Irish name?) told us how she was troubled by a pre-cancor breast problem. Yes, I have been following her since a month or so, and I do find her a little bit melacholic. But I don't realize that she is also faced with severe health problem.

Therefore, whoelese has no problems in this world? Life is never easy for every of us. To live in the world means to overcome all the challenges and problems - illness, failure in business, betrays of your friends and even your beloved ones, natural disasters, aging, and eventually death - death of your closest ones and death of yourself. Life is a process of entropy growth, from order to chaos, from vividness to decay. Of course in between there will be a period of growth, prosperity and brilliance, but most of the time you see only failure, sorrows and defeat. But this is our fate, we all have to undergo the living process, and not everyone will witness the same life span and the echos in the world and in the history. Most of us will live not very unlike those ants on the earth. Everyone of us is only a tiny portion of the universal evolution. There is no meaning to find out what is the meaning of my life. Life is living, like all living creatures on the earth. We're no different from all other animals on the earth - tigers, lions, sharks, eagles, snakes, etc etc. We think we are superior to all other animals, in fact we are not. Other animals may think the same way. Therefore we are no different form them all.

Whether you are a billionaire like Bezos or Bill Gates, or a buglar without a roof to shelter himself, whether you're a king or a street wanderer, in the end we come to the same destination - annihilation from the earth surface. Some may live longer than others, some may live more comfortable than others, some may enjoy some recognition than others, but that's all. We're all tiny creatures in the infinite universe. Imagine we are only one of the roughly 8 billion people on the earth, imagine the earth os only a tiny planet of the solar system, imagine the solar system only one of the billions and billions of similar system of the Galaxy, and imagine the Galaxy itself is only one of the billions of billions of similar star clusters of the universe. How small we're! How short our life span is?

But we live on, day by day, month by month, year by year. We live on by earning money, and to earn money we need to provide some kind of services useful to humans. Of course there are people who provide no services but still earning big money, like those with great power. Any society where there is disparity of some kinds is not good to God. There is no reason why we people shall live so differently on the same planet. Any fair society shall keep social inequality at reasonable level. Otherwise this society is unjust in God's eyes. God creates us all to enjoy the same beauty of His world.

Today is the last day of the one month heat wave (temperatures between 36 and 40C). I have again see raining and thunderstorming. The air is cooled down. Tomorrow the temperature wil drop to below 30C, the right temp for me.

I am not optimistic about America's future. Neither Trump nor Biden can save America. America will be enslaved by the Chinee communist government for sure, unless there is a politician who is really fighting for US interests. Mike Pompeo might be one of them. If the US is unable to destroy CCP in short term, the entire world is in danger, for sure. The entire civilization is in great danger. We a;; will live under CCP yore.

August 26

Early this morning at about 5:00 am I have dreamed my mother. I felt very happy. I have tolm mother to take some rest, because I saw she looked quite tired, and her face looked quite distorted and dark.

I really don't know how to earn my living. Language service is no more, price too low, payment conditions too bad. Also there is no chance to find a job as a translator or a language teacher both at a school or as a private tutor. All efforts failed.

Likewise I cannot find any job in the IC design sector, both domestic and international. All business contacts yielded nothing.

And my IT skills are also not useful in winning any chance, either for web development, SEO or web scraping.

All efforts failed.

What I can do now?

Noone can help me. All my colleagues - from high school to university, and my relatives - all cannot help me find a job or provide some kind of business opportunities.

My once highly expected site for satellite Internet - www.angelia.space - is now dead. Over the last 2 years noone has contacted me via this site, although daily hits amount to say 3000 at the peak. Therefore I have changed its contents to only show my business scope, and I have deleted all other information.

My life is now compketely meaningless.

The church?

Are you kidding? These people in the churches are worse than those in the society. They have never helped me before while I was in troubles or in need of some helps. Early in June I have travelled to Hangzhou from hometown and met a guy from the church where I have served and donated a lot. I have expected many of my former fellow Christians will come to meet me, because I have not been to this church for 9 years. But to my disappointment only one guy appeared. And at 5:00 pm he said this is OK, and he said bye to me and drove home. If I visit a guy in the society after a long jouney, he will certainly invite me to a dinner or something, but the church guy does not care for this. They are much less polite than those in the society. The declare they have love in God, but they don't love their fellow Christians. All of them are fake Christians. Therefore I have decided not to go to that church anymore. Perhaps I will no more go to any church at all. The people I met in the society are much better than those in the churches. The church people are hypercrites, caring only for their money.

About a month ago I have written to the Hangzhou International Christian Fellowship, but they did not reply to me. These people are mostly low end people from Africa, they come here not to worship God but to promote themselves per church. The following is an abstract of my mail:

I am a local Chinese Christian belonging to one of the protestant churches here in Hangzhou. I am now 57 and was baptized in 2006. I would like to know if I can also serve in your church and fellowship, because I know your church and fellowship is open only to foreigners in Hangzhou. I can speak English and other languages such as French and German. I have an education as a Masters of Engineering, and used to work at multinationals throughout China, but now for various reasons I am now selfemployed. Living alone in Hangzhou, without society, I feel extremely lonely, especially after my mother’s passaway. I want to find people who can not only speak Chinese but also English etc. As you know the Chinese speaking churches and Christians are more and more restricted, therefore I want to meet people who are more open to speak out for God.

They ignored me because they thought I am not in good conditions and connextion with me would not yield results of their expectation. They only want to get in touch with people with well-established social class, such as the corrupt officials or rich businessmen.

Nowadays churches are nomore the God's homes, instead they are the places where Satan is lodging there. Sooner or later churches will be disappearing from the face of the earth, just as humans will disappear from the face of earth within the next 300 years.

August 24

According to my analysis, Germany's Merckle wants to become a superpower one day, realizing Hitler's dream. Germans want to use China to weaken the US, and then after the US is defeated by China, Germany will unite with the US to defeat China. After that Germany will become the no 1 power in the world, replacing the US as the only superpower. Can this be realized? I seriously doubt it. If Germany works with the evil empire, it itself will become an evil empire, and the US as the only country upright in God's eyes, will eventually kill all her enemies, whether they come from Europe or Asia. God's will will dominate the world in the end. The Chinese evil empire under the control of CCP must be wiped out of the world, otherwide the human civilization will be wiped out instead. It's a death or life battle !

August 22

On August 20, the day before yesterday, Steve Bannon was arrested by the US postal police on charge of fund raising misuse. This charge is apparently a plot of his enemies - probably the democrats and even the Chinese communists behind. What is more tragical is that Mr Trump has distanced from Bannon saying he did not know Bannon's since long ! Bannon has been supporting Trump openly over the last years even he was fired by Trump as his strategist. Bannon has been fighting for freedom and prosperity of the Americal people and the well-being of the Chinese people who are surpressed by the dictators. I hate Trump now, therefore I will never follow him anymore. He is a low morale person. America is in danger, whoever presides the country him Trump or Biden of the democrats. Pompeo or Pence or Rubio might be the alternatives who can save America from destruction!

Noone has spoken out in support of Bannon at time of his troubles. Where are all hif friends? Guo Wen'gui, his close Chinese alliance, has also distanced him, and even dispelled him from the post of chair of the board of a media group. Guo said he has nothng to do with Bannon.

This world is corupt, cruel towards Bannon and all the gentle and high morale persons. Let God destroys this world, and creates a new one, where nice people are well rewarded and bad guys are severely punished.

How do you react to the Bannon-event determines whether or not you're truely a freedom-loving person. According to this criterium, 99.9% of the youtubers are fake-people.

One thing strikes me badly: why Bannon has to pay 5 million USD for bailout? Is there a rule for that? Why that much money? Why is the US justice system also so corrupt? I remember reading Kafka's Judge, where the German justice system was fierecely corrupt and injustified, and now the US system is nearly as corrupt and terrifying.

August 19

I can't do anything. Since my mother's passaway, I have been missing her day and night. I feel all my ambition and passion lost. Seated in front of my computer, I cannot do anything except thinking about mother, listening to sad music. It's 4.5 years, but I feel it was yesterday that mother was gone. She bade me bye bye so miserably - I can remember how sad she looked the last day, when we were having dinner together. Her hair was not in order, her face pale, not as good as usual. Her complexion looked very humble and sorrow. Mom, I miss you, I want cry, I cannot bear to remember this scene. I cannot live on like this, I hope I am dead, so that I don't need to remember this scene and your sad face. Mom, you're the most miserable mother in the world. Noone has protected you. Your husband, that is my father, was so weak that he cannot protect you when you're hurt by my grandfather and grandmother. Your dauther-in-law insulted you, but your elder son cannot protect you as well. I wanted to give you a safe and loving home, but rejected me and went to another world. In your life of 64 years in our home, you're not treated well. Your illness was not cured timely. We did not care for your health enough. Mother, we are not worth your sons and daughters.

August 18

I have been listening to music of all kinds since the last few months, because I want to find out all the best music, their melodies in order to compose one or two for my mother. By doing so I have found out that beautiful music does not necessary come from western classic music - symphony, violin concert etc, but from all music of all nations. Although some western classics are still among my favorites, but I am now more or less favoring Chinese traditional music or Chinese melodies in general. Even a flute can create very sensitive melody, and there are many other great music pieces and music instruments like Guzheng. Life is only perfect when one can listen to this wonderful melodies every day. I don't need to be a billionaire to be happy, but with music I feel pieceful. When listening to this music, I will remember my mother in Heaven, hoping that she is also listening with me. I always think that she is watching me from above me in the Heaven. Although mother is gone, but my life is never alone because she is always with me, while she is far away from me now.

August 16

I am missing my mother deadly. My poor mother, why did you give me up? Why did you leave me alone? I love so much, that I have ignored the entire world in order to stay with you. I care a needle for the world, except you. You are my dearest mother, without you, life is meaningless. And now I am living in a poor farm house, in a rmote suburban of Hangzhou. Who knows me here? Who cares for me here? Who has paid visits to me while I am living here for the last 2 months except my two high school classmates who brought me here? Mother in Heaven, I cannot live on without you. But I can't suicide myself, because I want to worship you as long as I can, and I want to have my own family and children and they shall worship you for generations to come. I cannot commit suicide because I cannot cause pains to my elder brother, who loves me as well, who is caring for me, and who has done a lot in my earlier days of universities. I cannot kill myself because of the generous helps of my friends and my classmates, who have extended their assistances in my misery. I don't want my beneficiary in Beijing to be despaired. Mother, whatever my situation may be, I cannot finish myself this way. Although I feel the extreme pains because of loss of you, I have to bear all the sufferings and hope for the salvation.Mother, give my hope and strength.

Since coming to this place in late June, it is now almost 2 month, but there is no any progress in all I have been trying. All job hunting failed, all business contacts yielded nothing, except a few correspondes. And now I don't know what to do, ,therefore I am doing nothing.

Theological studies at a Belgian university is postponed to Spring 2021, because I have missed the July month for visa application. I have been following the visa submittal site which is misleading. It is still saying that visa application is pending, in fact it was open since July.

US President's brother was dead yesterday, which has really shocked me. He is only 71 or 72 years old, quite young in my eyes. No information is given with regards to the causes of death. President Trump visited his brother just a day before on Aug 14. I have watched his visit, and I felt quite disturbed because if President Trump dropped in the hospital, it must be very serious, and Trump did say it was severe. But I did not expect the death came so soon and unexpectedly. Life is so fragile, we may go any time. Now what is the meaning of life?

The weather these days has been crazy. Temperature has climbed to around 39, for the last two weeks and the forecast say the hot temperature will continue for the next 1 or 2 weeks. Terrible!

More than 200 policemen have rushed to the headquaretrs of the Apple Daily in Hongkong and arrested its boss Mr Jimmy Lai, and several other staff of the newspaper publisher. I was shocked by the scene, where the two hands of Mr Lai were cuffed from behind, reminding me of the days of the Cultural Revolution. The police behaved like the beasts in a unvivilized society, in Mainland China, not in Hongkong where there is a legal system well established by the British over the last century.

August 06

Yesterday I was informed by the visa processing station in Hangzhou that it is OK to apply for study visa to Belgium, and in fact it was already in July that we can apply for student visa to Belgium. Thus I have lost one month in visa application and I am unable to get a visa in middle September this year. I shall ask for a deferrment of study to KULeuven.