My Diaries

(October 2019)

Oct 27

最近这几天无心做别的事，只是痴痴地从早到晚听一些伤感的歌曲和音乐，尤其是红楼梦中的“葬花吟”。 32年前在1987年电视连续剧“红楼梦”播出的时候，每天听这首歌曲，反复听，无数次。如今隔了32年后在反反复复地听，那是因为怀念已逝的母亲。 母亲的性格与黛玉何等相似，命运也非常相似。心比天高，命比纸薄。听这样的歌曲让我老泪纵横。

Oct 25

I havn't the motif to write this diary regularly now, because of my bad life. Everthig is upside down, nothing has been been achieved over the last two months or so since my coming back from a short period of jobs 15 km away from home. I can't find a theological study chance where I can apply for the study immediately without an language test, pastor recommendations and other sophisticated applications for studies as well as visa, and most importantly high costs. None were found enabling me to leave China for a free country.

My website, although with considerable amount of traffic, did not create any revenue, and worse than that, no one has got in touch with me about my services. Therefore I will not spend time on its updating and upgrading, leaving it as it is now.

My PhD for modem research application was dead already a month ago. I contacted about 10 people in this field, no one replied to me, and I was quite angered by them, because in the past there will always be some kind of responses although no one actually offered me a position, but now this time they just ignored me and showed my inexistence. It's simply too much.

Now the only possibility to leave China is to earn some money and then to emigrate out of China using this money. But how?

Seeing no incoming change in my business and life, I think I have to prepare for the writing of the biography of mother now, therefore I've started to read some of the Chinese literature in addition to western literature which I have been reading over the last decade, the reason being that I will highly possibly write this autibio in Chinese not in English as previously planned, as I don't have to talents in English literature writing. Therefore I need to be acquainted with Chinese literature. I also need to prepare for the composition of a musical peiece for my mother, therefore I am busy studying musical instruments and some of the best known musical piece both in China and the world. I used to play violin therefore I can quickly resume my reading of musical notes and sing songs out of them.

My elementary school classmate has come to my humble home this Monday suddenly, unexpected. He has broken his relations with me due to my quittal of a small company over two months ago, for he thought I was wrong in accusing the factory boss to delaying the pay of my salary even I have left the factory. Apparetly he wants to remedy the broken ties and resume the relationships with me. OK, that's fine, but I don't care. I care nothing and noone in this world, expect my mother in the Heaven. After the decease of my mother, this world is none existent to me. He told me there was a gethering of several classmates and one was drunk during the dinner. I told him that I will never participate in this kind of gathering, because on those occasions people are just eating and talking nonsense. I can not find a place where I can really enjoy a free talk with them. I have now on this wolrd noone to exchange talks freely, because here in China, whoever talks truth, who will be jailed.

Although I hate churches and the Christianity, I do find there are a couple of hymns that move me tears out. Therefore I might still listen to Christian as well as Buddhist songs occasionally.

Two weeks ago my younger sister told me that her daughter has got a son. I now cannot go to Hangzhou to pay my contribute as a customs. My elder brother also asked me how to pay that, but I have no ideas. Possibly when she comes to her homevillage during the Chinese new year - which is very unlikely because now she considers Hangzhou as her hometown - we will pay our dues.

Oct 8

Business

These days I've no interest to do business. My modem website has reached a daily hits of more than 3000 yesterday (I don't know why so high), but still there are no inquiry about my services. With such a high clicks, there is no need to do any marketing. It's a matter of improving the site contents, but without income I have to motivation to develop my site any more. Trading is also stagnating, for I am reluctant to search for new opportunities and contact potential clients, for fear that they will anyway not reply to me, or no transaction can be done in any case. Freelancing is also generating no real contracts, although I have sent a lot of contacts. There is no way to do my business now, therefore I can do nothing now than just waiting for something moraculous.

Theology

After 2 months investigations it is now clear there is no chance to start my applications for theology studies now, therefore I have to wait for the december to begin my applications.

I've submitted an online request to a German religious organisation, in German, but the Germans give me no response of whasoever. I hate Germans now very much, therefore I decided not to pursue my theological studies in German colleges.

Mother

During these days I can not do anything than thinking of my mother. I just sit in front of my computer, listen to songs and music related to mother memoirs, and doing nothing. I am trying to understand the musical notes, and will be planning to compose a piece of melody in a couple of years for my mother. I have to know what kind of songs and musical pieces are there praising mothers, and then will work out the best one and this one will be inheritated forever.

Elder Sister

Yesterday afternoon my elder sister was unexpectedly coming to me, bring me some vegetables. She said she was here since October 1, and her two daughters were away from homr in Hangzhou. She has been living in Hangzhou since a couple of years at her daughters' home, well before mother died. She looked very fat now.

Oct 4

Airways above Me

Each time when I look up into the sky when I am walking on the village roads,, and if it is late enough, I cn always see airplanes flying above my heads, many times they are more than just one. This explains that this village is on the busy airway, and further that is also a prove that aviation business in China is really booming.

Stars above Me

In Chinese cities we cannot see stars above us in the skys, however, here in the village of my parents, I can still see miriads of stars above us, that is one of the favorite situations to live in a rural village. To see so many stars, you realize that we are just a small part of the universe, and there are so many stars apart of our small earth, solar system and the Galaxy. How are all the other stars working? Are there peope like us? What is the meaning of my life in comparison to many others on the earth and on other planets?

Returning Farmers

Now a strange thing happens in this village: the most learned person is now returned to the village, while many illiterate farmers are living in nearby cities like Huzhou and Hangzhou. When there is a holiday some of the city farmers return to their home in the village, and I just witness their comming and departure while unbale to finding a way out of the village. If my mother were there with me now, she would be feeling very bad.

Mother Dreamed Last Night

Last night in my dreams I called my mother, while walking on the village roads, intending to envoke the attention of the village elder women and men. I am thinking my mother every day, but I purposely don't think of her on daytime, in order not to make me miserable. I dare not to remind of her, otherwise tears cannot restrain to fall down.

Theological Studies

After nearly two month's investigations, I cannot find any university for which I can launch an application right now, provided that they don't insist on an language test, and no ecclesiastic recommendations are needed, and cost of studying are reasonably low and applications for both admission and visa is relatively simple and straight forward. Otherwise I have to wait for several months to start my applications by several seminaries which are close to my criteria of applications.

Bikes or E-Bikes

This morning I went to the nearby town called Donglin, about 5 km west, to buy the necessaties - vegetables. I tried to find a place to park my bike but it was difficult to find a empty place. While I was looking for a place, I have noticed that there was no bikes at the place at all, they were either e-bikes or motor bikes or cars of various types. Until I finished buying and rode my bike away, I still can't find a pesrson riding a bike like me or a bike parking there. I am the only still using bikes as transportation means. I am well behind this small society in living quality.My mother said repeatedly in her last few years that I am still living in the 1980's.

Oct 1

Heavy Rain

This morning there was a heavy rain, making water penetrating into my little toilet. It is dangerous because the power lines can be interupt by rain. Therefore it is urgent to repir the roof. But my brother, who this afternoon happended to come over, said he has no time to do the repair work. I am myself unable to do the mending jobs.

The Western Governments Yield to Chinese Pressure

Unlike the earlier decades, when western governments were still defending democratic values in thrid world, nowadays they only want to do business with communist countries, especially China. Germany's Chanceler Merckel has just travelled to China a few weeks ago, together with a big delegations of commercial corporations. At this time of crucial trade war between the US and the communist ruled China, Germany once again choose to side with the dictators and quit the democratic world. Germany is self destroying, and Europe as a whole is going on the wrong road, working together with a totalitarian regime. This is a critical moment of human history, if totalitariasm and dictators are not eliminated from the face of world, human race is always faced with distinghuishing from the earth. Dictators are the greatest threat to human race. Sooner or later they will completely destroy the human beings. Therefore the democratic world must unite together and try their utmost to kill all kinds of dictators, among them, the Chines communists are the most dangerous. I don't understand why the west is so fearful of the Chines communists.